clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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