im six kinds of drunk right now
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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