she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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