Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
