Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Randomize
