Where is the hickey?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
