the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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