you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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