we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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