I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
