I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
