It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
