I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
