I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
