Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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