seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
