wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
