I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
