Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
