Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
