I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
