There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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