Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
