He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
