life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize