I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
