You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Your cock deserves a montage
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
