Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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