I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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