____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
