Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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