gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I've blown a few things in my day
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
