also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
