at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he was CRYING into my vagina
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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