I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
