OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
