If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
