I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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