For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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