Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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