My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize