what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
