Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
