Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You are the jesus of drinking
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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