Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
