Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
