I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize