When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Mom said you looked used
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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