i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm at about main and main street
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
