I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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