did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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