did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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