A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
