; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
