I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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