May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
