I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You're a waste of cheezeits
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
