Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize